There are lots of ways people resolve conflicts. For example, in some organizations, conflicts are resolved by two simple rules:

• If we're having a disagreement, remember that the boss is always right.
• If you perceive that the boss is wrong refer to rule 1.

Al Capone, one of the great motivators of the 20th century, is reported to have stated the following theory on conflict resolution: "You can get a lot more with a smile and a gun than with just a smile. "

Both of these strategies work sometimes to resolve the immediate conflict but they have the disadvantage of damaging the relationship we have with the other person. This is important because for almost all of the conflicts we have, we have to deal with that person later. So, resolving the conflict in a way that takes care of what we want and protects the relationship we have with the other person is crucial.

A particularly useful approach to conflict resolution in business settings is called Principaled Negotiation, developed by the Harvard Negotiation Project. I've used this approach many times in mediating conflicts between owners and executives, between managers, and between managers and subordinates. But, it's not just for managers. It's useful to any of us at home and at work.

Here I'd like you to consider one element of the approach which is: Don't get hung up on your position or their position. Look at what the underlying interests are and see if you can satisfy at least some of them--yours and theirs.

Take the following example: Linda, who works for you, asks for a transfer because she hates working with Jim, her coworker. You think both Jim and Linda are excellent employees and you don't want to lose either. If you only look at the two positions that you both are taking, there's no way to resolve this conflict. Linda's position is: I want a transfer. Your position is: No transfer. The way it stands now there's no way both of you can win--one will win and one will lose. But what are your underlying interests? What are Linda's?

Let's say that the two of you talk about them and this is what comes up. Both of you have the shared interest of wanting the department to work well and productively. You have the additional interests of keeping the team together because you think you've got good people. Also, you're interested in not adding to your heavy workload at this time by having to recruit for a new employee and then having to train him/her. Linda has the additional interests of wanting to do more challenging work and wanting to feel that she can get her co-worker to pitch in and help when she has an overload--she feels Jim has an attitude of "It's not my job" whenever she asks for his help.

When you look at these underlying interests, you can see that maybe this conflict can be resolved with both people getting at least some of what they want. Perhaps Linda can get her underlying interests met without transferring--some possibilities would be that you may be able to give her some more challenging assignments, have her work less closely with Jim, improve the working relationship between her and Jim, have her come to you or another associate for help when she is feeling overloaded, etc. This way your interests of keeping the team together and not having to recruit and train a new person are met. Also, both Linda's and your interest in the department's productivity and the way people work together will be met (and will probably be better than it was before you and Linda talked). You may also get the additional bonus of Linda's goodwill by communicating to her that her problem is your problem too and you want to take care of her interests as well as your own.

Now, you might be saying at this point, "Sounds good, Mike, but it's often not as easy as that and you still might not be able to make it work". You're right! But my point is that if you get stuck in a "You're position, my position, who's going to win?" trap you have no chance of working it out. The exploration of interests and trying to meet them gives you that chance and often does resolve the conflict in a manner that protects and may even improve the relationship.

Mike Stadter, Ph.D., is a consulting psychologist specializing in conflict resolution, management training, and employee assistance services.